The Wretched Day Approaches

A simple glance at the calendar tells the story. Tomorrow is the first day of February.

If you are a single guy, or a married guy, or a dating guy, or a just messing around kind of guy, this is a quick reminder…the wretched day is almost here.

In all seriousness, if the Discovery Channel Network ever did a documentary about the next few weeks, they would have to call it “ATTACK OF THE COUGAR.”

With a knowing nod to many of my single friends out there, You really have to learn to step lively the next couple of weeks. If you drop your guard for a single instant, you may find yourself cornered by the ferocious cougars of Southern and Central Maine.

It works like this. Old acquaintances suddenly start paying more attention, you wander out for the evening to find ladies that wouldn’t whack you with a shovel the rest of the year suddenly hanging on your every word. Suddenly, you start getting nudges that you and old friends should “do something together.”

RUN. Do NOT walk…RUN. You’ve almost been caught.

I look at this matter simply. There are those that pine away, waiting for the perfect mate. There are the damaged souls that found one and have found that it wasn’t quite what they imagined, and are looking for the next victim. Either way, the prides of cougars hunt singly, picking off the youngest and freshest members of the group of wild beasts called men first. It’s long after all those are gone they turn their attention to the gnarled up, crusty fat ones like myself.

Usually, I remind them of their ex, and they sort of wander off. It’s a good trick, if you can manage it.


Live in Portland and have not made Valentines Night dinner reservations yet? Better book some time on the Hubble Space Telescope to see just exactly how far passed screwed you really are.

Don’t have an action plan yet for the significant other? Better make one quick, or plan on dropping to your knees to pray. Otherwise, you may find your life resembling the wrong side of 50 Shades of Gray.

Misery might love company, but failure to deliver the goods on VD may make you IN miserable company.

Take my friend “S” for example… not too recently divorced, out on the prowl and looking. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed the throaty growl grow lower and more menacing in tone. She wants someone new in her life, and as the calendar clicks forward closer and closer to February 14th, she’s becoming more and more likely to settle not for Mr. Right, but for Mr. RightDownTheStreetAndHandy.

Yikes. Back away slowly, not exposing the flanks. Don’t make eye contact. Act like you’re hungover and don’t quite understand what she’s talking about. Pretend on vague spotty random deafness.

Yes, the cougars are out there, growing hungrily impatient with each approaching day. They all eye the flying cherubic arrow-slinging baby with sighs and wistful looks. I view him as a malevolent demon sent from Old Scratch himself.

Waterboarding is too good for him, get out the tar and feathers.