Arch Enemies

Every year, at least one soul goes lost or missing in the Maine woods. Search parties are organized, blaze orange vested bush thumpers are dispatched along.with search dogs, and the public is given a two to three day spectacle to follow.

There is a simple solution to the problem, one that malcontents and hermits have known for ages.

Build a doorway arch.

No matter where you go in the world, there is a doorway arch where someone had decided to park and wait for the end of time.

In younger days, my temper would get the best of me. “In or OUT…you’re worse than the cat!”

I’ve just come to accept it now. The problem in Portland seems to have grown exponentially worse in my absence.

But here is how the Maine Warden Service could take advantage of a quirk in human nature. Find a narrow spot between two big trees. Bould a single buttox wide doorway between it. Install a solar.powered free cellphone charging station, free WiFi, and tape a pack of free cigarettes to the tree.

Soon, any lost soul within a hundred miles will find themselves inextricably drawn to that exact spot. They have all the conveniences of modern life.

Now, on that pack of free smokes.  Know that will annoy the non-smokers among you who must daily pass through a fog of the nastiness to get where you wanted to go. Notice, I didn’t say ANYTHING about matches or lighters.

This increases the draw. A smoker will stand in a doorway waiting for a light until frogs do fractions and crickets do calculus.

This idea isn’t only applicable to those lost in the woods. Runaway teens, missing persons and those of questionable powers of reason are doubly vexed by the doorway arch phenomenon. It must be something in human nature, a resistance to commit when confronted by a transitional state.

Meanwhile… get out of the doorway!